Changing trains...

We are all looking for new experiences but have you ever thought that each and every one of them gets to an end? That happened to me. I left my country, my family and friends to try my luck 2000 km far from my country. I did exactly how i planned. Maybe more. One thing was for sure: i did not go there to make friends. But things didn’t really go as planned in that area. Without even noticing things happened exactly the other way around. After one „Hello, where are you from?”, „Do you want to join our party tonight?” or „Give me your number?” i ended up knowing so many people and letting people know me. I always thought that lots of them will never be able to handle my difficult way of being but they proved more strong and stubborn that i ever expected.
Now, after half year, i find myself moving around 35 kg from train to train trying to reach „Home” while weaving to four people at 1 a.m. in a small station in the Netherlands. Never would have imagined that there will be someone walking me to the train or staying and chatting for hours letting me know that one way or another they will miss me. God, it felt good! It was amazing! So i remained happy while hugging and kissing each and every one of them. But when i stepped into the train i fell apart. I tried so hard not to cry but even so three restless tears started going down my cheeks. I’ve been through so many things with this people in such a short time. It changed me! Or at least i know for sure that i learned a lot of things from each and every one or them. How to smile constantly, how to be friendly without being desperate, how to offer help and trust to a stranger, etc.
I am writing this while waiting for another bus at 5:14 a.m to thank all my friends that kept me company for the last half year. Maybe sometimes you just need to risk a bit so you can gain more. In the end, nobody ever died of deception, right?

these dark red curtains.

Things seem so different through these dark red curtains. God, how I used to hate these curtains! But this very early morning they became my best friends. They gave me the chance of hiding. If anyone knew what these curtains have seen or heard and the amount of secrets they discovered night by night. Even now they hide me from the morning light like I would be another secret. They know that the morning light was never my friend because it ruins my perfect night. I’m thinking that the light might also disappoint me as many others did. Others that used to bring me peace, others that a while ago knew exactly how to hide my soul from constant anxiety without ever realizing it. Those who used to make my nights better than they usually are by just talking for hours. I should have known better by now than to trust them. I should have given up the first second I’ve noticed immaturity because I’ve been there before. I should have known better that they will not be able to make the difference between feelings and finally would end mixing them up and running scared. Well, you should never have such high expectations from people you know so few about right? After all you were right…neither one of us knew anything about the other. Maybe we should have asked the dark curtains first…