earing on the rooftop...

Another day, another stranger. I just came to love these people who pop out into my live now more frquently than ever. This one took me on a rooftop to enjoy the sunrise while watching the beautiful landscape surrounding my 3 star hotel in a mountain resort. It was kind of accidental but the feeling was undefinable. It started in such a slow way...but of course it transformed! It’s just me...i do that! So on that rooftop i found something that everyone looks for: exactly what i needed. I couldn’t believe it! So it went on for a while as intense as a spark like that could go. Soon i found myself calling daily, meeting weekley, as i haven’t been in a long time. I was so fully living this moments as if everything was a first. Probably it was the first time when almost everything was so fine. I tasted it to the last drop but after a while, when real life started hitting me more and more and i was coming back to my senses it had to stop. My ambition came back to life and that can’t be stopped. Few people ever did...Still i recall my rooftop experience as a premiere. For a while i had everything i wanted...but only when you have it all you see that you need it step by step in order to get used to...perfection...
P.S. I forgot my earing on the roof that morning...

Sharing more than a body...

This post is dedicated to one of the most disturbed persons i have ever met. Thank you for sharing your depression.


Usually a wounded body is healed with the help of an optimistic spirit but what happens when things are the other way around? Do wounded spirits have any chance of recovery? I think they don't but, there are moments, for the most fortunate of us, when a simple, close and strong touch of a stranger slows down the pain that's eating our soul and especially our mind. A rough grab of the hands and a sudden reaction of two naked chests touching, forcing me to let everything out without using any word. And then a moment of such depth embraces my body. I close my eyes and start listening to the heartbeats of the one who's measuring my naked, empty body; that's when a small glimpse of hope tries to convince my mind that I may be able to recover, it’s like a bandage.
Two hands crush my body again but I already know that pain only postpones anger, i tried it long time ago. This is neither sex or love. It is the touch of a stranger that i frequently hate for not being what i want or need. But the chemistry between two disturbed individuals goes way beyond love or hate. The feeling that somebody could actually get the way i become addictive gave me peace. And that's interesting for someone who loves my tendency for addictions, right? And that's because he's also addictive, but also addicted to his own depression. Have you ever wondered: if depression goes away, who are you?
And than, he crushes again my body but instead of pain i feel pleasure; guilty, possessive pleasure. After a long metamorphosis , I receive a kiss on the cheek which I actually hate thinking: that's all I deserve after unveiling myself in such a way? Stranger should bite my lips so hard giving the fake hope that I might come back to that moment. Only after that the door should open and I should step out to being the same old broken myself...

Changing trains...

We are all looking for new experiences but have you ever thought that each and every one of them gets to an end? That happened to me. I left my country, my family and friends to try my luck 2000 km far from my country. I did exactly how i planned. Maybe more. One thing was for sure: i did not go there to make friends. But things didn’t really go as planned in that area. Without even noticing things happened exactly the other way around. After one „Hello, where are you from?”, „Do you want to join our party tonight?” or „Give me your number?” i ended up knowing so many people and letting people know me. I always thought that lots of them will never be able to handle my difficult way of being but they proved more strong and stubborn that i ever expected.
Now, after half year, i find myself moving around 35 kg from train to train trying to reach „Home” while weaving to four people at 1 a.m. in a small station in the Netherlands. Never would have imagined that there will be someone walking me to the train or staying and chatting for hours letting me know that one way or another they will miss me. God, it felt good! It was amazing! So i remained happy while hugging and kissing each and every one of them. But when i stepped into the train i fell apart. I tried so hard not to cry but even so three restless tears started going down my cheeks. I’ve been through so many things with this people in such a short time. It changed me! Or at least i know for sure that i learned a lot of things from each and every one or them. How to smile constantly, how to be friendly without being desperate, how to offer help and trust to a stranger, etc.
I am writing this while waiting for another bus at 5:14 a.m to thank all my friends that kept me company for the last half year. Maybe sometimes you just need to risk a bit so you can gain more. In the end, nobody ever died of deception, right?

these dark red curtains.

Things seem so different through these dark red curtains. God, how I used to hate these curtains! But this very early morning they became my best friends. They gave me the chance of hiding. If anyone knew what these curtains have seen or heard and the amount of secrets they discovered night by night. Even now they hide me from the morning light like I would be another secret. They know that the morning light was never my friend because it ruins my perfect night. I’m thinking that the light might also disappoint me as many others did. Others that used to bring me peace, others that a while ago knew exactly how to hide my soul from constant anxiety without ever realizing it. Those who used to make my nights better than they usually are by just talking for hours. I should have known better by now than to trust them. I should have given up the first second I’ve noticed immaturity because I’ve been there before. I should have known better that they will not be able to make the difference between feelings and finally would end mixing them up and running scared. Well, you should never have such high expectations from people you know so few about right? After all you were right…neither one of us knew anything about the other. Maybe we should have asked the dark curtains first…