You’re happy, right?

How many of you say that they are happy? Or at least pretend that in front of the rest? It’s like on Christmas on New Year’s Eve when everybody says “I’ll spend great time with the one sI love and celebrate the good stuff that happened in the last year?” Well, honestly, we all know that you are never fully satisfied next to your family and friends and that with all the good stuff that happened you are still thinking of the bad shit that you are in now or that you will be in the next year… Still we just love pretending. That’s our way of being! We never really admit “Oh, I’m fucked! Shit just happens to me, especially on holidays!”
And of course the person next to you never does what you imagine them to be doing. They do the other way around but still…you pretend it is exactly what you want… You go out on Fridays and Saturdays and get completely wasted just to fool yourself that you feel great…well…you usually don’t. Basically we are idiots! Your mother always asks the wrong question, your friends are always retards when they are too drunk and falling down the stairs every year and of course the guy you like only wants to fuck you or if you want to fuck him well…he starts to ask you out and destroys everything. You always say “This day at work will be better” and of course it is NOT!
So, we’re not happy. Why? Because we spend too much time pretending that we are instead of actually trying to accomplish that. Human nature always goes wrong one way or another…

earing on the rooftop...

Another day, another stranger. I just came to love these people who pop out into my live now more frquently than ever. This one took me on a rooftop to enjoy the sunrise while watching the beautiful landscape surrounding my 3 star hotel in a mountain resort. It was kind of accidental but the feeling was undefinable. It started in such a slow way...but of course it transformed! It’s just me...i do that! So on that rooftop i found something that everyone looks for: exactly what i needed. I couldn’t believe it! So it went on for a while as intense as a spark like that could go. Soon i found myself calling daily, meeting weekley, as i haven’t been in a long time. I was so fully living this moments as if everything was a first. Probably it was the first time when almost everything was so fine. I tasted it to the last drop but after a while, when real life started hitting me more and more and i was coming back to my senses it had to stop. My ambition came back to life and that can’t be stopped. Few people ever did...Still i recall my rooftop experience as a premiere. For a while i had everything i wanted...but only when you have it all you see that you need it step by step in order to get used to...perfection...
P.S. I forgot my earing on the roof that morning...

Sharing more than a body...

This post is dedicated to one of the most disturbed persons i have ever met. Thank you for sharing your depression.


Usually a wounded body is healed with the help of an optimistic spirit but what happens when things are the other way around? Do wounded spirits have any chance of recovery? I think they don't but, there are moments, for the most fortunate of us, when a simple, close and strong touch of a stranger slows down the pain that's eating our soul and especially our mind. A rough grab of the hands and a sudden reaction of two naked chests touching, forcing me to let everything out without using any word. And then a moment of such depth embraces my body. I close my eyes and start listening to the heartbeats of the one who's measuring my naked, empty body; that's when a small glimpse of hope tries to convince my mind that I may be able to recover, it’s like a bandage.
Two hands crush my body again but I already know that pain only postpones anger, i tried it long time ago. This is neither sex or love. It is the touch of a stranger that i frequently hate for not being what i want or need. But the chemistry between two disturbed individuals goes way beyond love or hate. The feeling that somebody could actually get the way i become addictive gave me peace. And that's interesting for someone who loves my tendency for addictions, right? And that's because he's also addictive, but also addicted to his own depression. Have you ever wondered: if depression goes away, who are you?
And than, he crushes again my body but instead of pain i feel pleasure; guilty, possessive pleasure. After a long metamorphosis , I receive a kiss on the cheek which I actually hate thinking: that's all I deserve after unveiling myself in such a way? Stranger should bite my lips so hard giving the fake hope that I might come back to that moment. Only after that the door should open and I should step out to being the same old broken myself...

Changing trains...

We are all looking for new experiences but have you ever thought that each and every one of them gets to an end? That happened to me. I left my country, my family and friends to try my luck 2000 km far from my country. I did exactly how i planned. Maybe more. One thing was for sure: i did not go there to make friends. But things didn’t really go as planned in that area. Without even noticing things happened exactly the other way around. After one „Hello, where are you from?”, „Do you want to join our party tonight?” or „Give me your number?” i ended up knowing so many people and letting people know me. I always thought that lots of them will never be able to handle my difficult way of being but they proved more strong and stubborn that i ever expected.
Now, after half year, i find myself moving around 35 kg from train to train trying to reach „Home” while weaving to four people at 1 a.m. in a small station in the Netherlands. Never would have imagined that there will be someone walking me to the train or staying and chatting for hours letting me know that one way or another they will miss me. God, it felt good! It was amazing! So i remained happy while hugging and kissing each and every one of them. But when i stepped into the train i fell apart. I tried so hard not to cry but even so three restless tears started going down my cheeks. I’ve been through so many things with this people in such a short time. It changed me! Or at least i know for sure that i learned a lot of things from each and every one or them. How to smile constantly, how to be friendly without being desperate, how to offer help and trust to a stranger, etc.
I am writing this while waiting for another bus at 5:14 a.m to thank all my friends that kept me company for the last half year. Maybe sometimes you just need to risk a bit so you can gain more. In the end, nobody ever died of deception, right?

these dark red curtains.

Things seem so different through these dark red curtains. God, how I used to hate these curtains! But this very early morning they became my best friends. They gave me the chance of hiding. If anyone knew what these curtains have seen or heard and the amount of secrets they discovered night by night. Even now they hide me from the morning light like I would be another secret. They know that the morning light was never my friend because it ruins my perfect night. I’m thinking that the light might also disappoint me as many others did. Others that used to bring me peace, others that a while ago knew exactly how to hide my soul from constant anxiety without ever realizing it. Those who used to make my nights better than they usually are by just talking for hours. I should have known better by now than to trust them. I should have given up the first second I’ve noticed immaturity because I’ve been there before. I should have known better that they will not be able to make the difference between feelings and finally would end mixing them up and running scared. Well, you should never have such high expectations from people you know so few about right? After all you were right…neither one of us knew anything about the other. Maybe we should have asked the dark curtains first…

prima gura de aer...

Tot ce imi doresc sau mai bine zis nedorim noi este fericirea. Asta cautam si eu in ziua in care am facut 20 de ani. Drept urmare, mi-am facut bagajele si am plecat 600 de km dupa prietenii mei cautand afectiune, buna dispozitie si mai ales libertate. Dupa 15 ore de sufocare in trenul personal Sibiu-Constanta lucrurile incepeau sa se lege. Primul pas pe nisip, primul flirt si prima baie in mare; toate astea au fost semnul unui nou inceput. Asta explica destul de bine expresia "this is the first day of the rest of your life". Insa acesta nu era un film ci viata. Dupa o lunga perioada in care am avut grija sa imi consum nervii si energia mult mai mult decat cerea situatia am decis sa recuperez tot cu varf si indesat. Zis si facut! Mare, soare, petreceri, bani, baieti si o saptamana petrecuta intr-o nepasare care aproape dadea in inconstienta, am reusit. Oricat de rele devin lucrurile se pare ca matusa mea are dreptate cand spune: "totul are o rezolvare". Nimic nu-i mai bun pentru un nou inceput decat niste oameni vechi: prietenii.

da, sunt EU!

"I have loved to the point of madness, that which is called madness; That which to me is the only sensible way to love."

Francoise Sagan

Inima ta bate in pieptul altuia. Asa simti cand esti singur si ea parca inceteaza sa mai bata. Nu poti respira, dormi, manca. Esti mort! La asta se rezuma finalul. Oricat de rau ar fi ai prefera sa te chinui la nesfarsit decat sa pui punct. Timpul ajunge sa te obisnuiasca atat de mult incat la final cazi la pamant si nimic sau nimeni nu te mai poate ridica. Telefonul inceteaza sa existe iar tu traieste din amintiri mai degraba decat din mancare sau somn.

Da, sunt EU! Traiul intr-o agonie si un extaz permanente m-au adus aici. Emotii duse la extrem. Respir cu mare greutate parca am ceva care ma apasa pe piept. Ma inchid in camera si stau in pat zile intregi doar ca sa ii evit pe ceilalti. Mesajele se aduna in casuta vocala deoarece telefonul e si el mort. Am uitat cand mi-am vazut ultima oara fata in oglinda. Stau cu stiloul in mana cu speranta ca pot lega cateva cuvinte dar nu reusesc iar asta ma darama si mai tare. Cui sa povestesc daca nu mie insami? Dar parca si eu incep sa ma satur de mine...Vreau sa fug! Departe! Visul asta se destrama insa si el. Totul pare sa fie jos pe podea langa mine. Orice fel de parere despre propria persoana e distrusa si ma indrept spre doar 20 crezandu-ma deja ajunsa la marele final. Cel mai dureros e insa ca am uitat elementul care ma definea: zambetul! Mai bine nebun decat mort insa asta e rezultatul cand iubesti la fara frecventa...

Da, sunt EU!


"Denial is not just a river in Egypt, it is a freakin' ocean!"

P.S.: A se scuza cuv. "iubire" si toate derivatele acestuia dar nu am gasit sinonime in acest context.

Raiul de duminica dimineata...

Niciodata n-am mai vazut pe timpul zilei centrul Sibiului atat de linistit. De obicei agitatia care il caracterizeaza ma trezeste la viata, insa astazi, oricat as avea nevoie de trezire, ma bucur de linistea pe care mi-o ofera. Dupa atatea nopti nedormite, din diferite motive, linistea asta pare a fi perfecta sau poate viata mea e mai linistita acum... Vag se aude zgomotul autobuzelor, deoarece doar ele ma acompaniaza, pe langa melodia pe repeat din castile (deepak chopra feat. demi moore - desire). Cum sa trebuiasca sa plec de aici cand am totul? Pana si soarele incearca sa ma mituiasca parca sa nu parasesc locul asta...insa ambitia e prea mare...asa ca profit cat mai mult de casa, de ce-i al meu, cu gandul ca la intoarcere o sa fie cel putin la fel de bine ca in dimineata asta de 2 mai, petrecuta pe o banca, mangaiata de soare, analizand antiteza dintre vechi si nou a cladirilor ce ma inconjoara in orasul asta in continua schimbare. Dar nu incetez sa ma gandesc ca intr-un final am si pierd tot...

micul baietel si coronita...

...atat de ciudate intorsaturi ia si viata asta incat ajungi de la un pol la altul in cateva clipe fara a-ti da macar seama de schimbarea care se produce cu tine sau in jurul tau. Asa i s-a intamplat si unei fetite pe care o cunosc atat de bine incat nu ma poate pacali cu nimic...avea 13 ani...era ca un baietel: purta ochelari de vedere, blugi lasati si tricouri largi...avea o viziune despre viata atat de libertina incat ai fi putut spune ca a trecut prin multe ca sa gandeasca atat de liber...fortata si ea, ca noi toti de altfel, sa creasca datorita timpului care nu sta in loc, ajunge la liceu unde se loveste brusc de fete pe tocuri, fardate incat adevarata lor fata nu se mai vedea... niciodata nu s-ar fi gandit ca in gramada aia atat de diferita de ceea ce cunoscuse ea pana atunci avea sa isi construiasca o viata cu totul diferita de tot ceea ce isi imaginase...renunta la ochelari si blugii largi care devin treptat tot mai stramti si tricourile la fel...uneori isi acopera si ea adevarata fata...trec 4 ani...schimbarea e uriasa...vine un nou inceput...facultatea...devenita deja o adolescenta incapatanata si orgolioasa pana in maduva oaselor convinsa de un singur lucru...fiecare emotie, pozitiva sau negativa, trebuie traita la maxim...se schimbase mult, atat fizic cat si psihic, era alt om...inainte de inceperea faculatii incepuse sa revina din ce in ce mai mult la baietasul care era inainte de liceu insa hainele arata acum altfel pe ea...cumva nu mai poate ascunde ca e fata...si intr-un moment de inconstienta se hotaraste sa intre intr-o competitie cu celelalte fete...istoria se repeta...micul baietel concureaza cu domnisoare finute...si merge la bal lipsita de orice gand de castig, ba chiar convinsa de castigul altei colege...toate fetele pe tocuri si in rochite iar ea...in tenesi si pantaloni scurti...cu siguranta ea era ultimul om care se astepta ca numele sa ii fie asociat cu titlul de miss...a doua zi totul se schimba: prieteni de ani de zile o trateaza cu raceala si invidie ca si cand le-ar fi luat ceva ce li se cuvenea...dar asta e deja alta poveste...si uite asa...micul baietel primeste coronita, spre mirarea tuturor, insa pe care sincer sa va spun, nu stiu sa o port...

Reportaj de noapte...

...trei chitari inconjurate de cativa oameni la etajul 5 al unui hotel situat la capat de lume...e 5 dimineata...bere si versuri aruncate peste tot...ceilalti trec pe langa si parca ar vrea sa li se alature...treptat se apropie parca vrajiti de sunetele de chitara. In mijlocul tuturor un baiat mai priceput de la care invata un altul iar cea de-a treia chitara se plimba din mana in mana...lumea incepe sa socializeze la o doza de bere iar in fata mea, rezemati cu spatele pe caloriferul fierbinte, sta un cuplu...si imi zboara gandul la niste adolescenti imaturi pe care i-am cunoscut acum ceva vreme dar care cu timpul au incetat sa mai existe sufocati de maturitatea care a avut grija sa-i spulbere...atat de fizici si lipsiti de inhibitii...isi raspund atat de natural unul altuia la gesturi incat totul pare regizat pana la cel mai mic detaliu. Revin la multimea din jurul meu care aplauda fara exceptie dupa fiecare melodie...zeci de straini devin prieteni printr-un simplu zambet si cate o bere "facuta posta"...toti canta desi marea majoritate nu stiu corect versurile...dar ce conteaza asta atata timp cat oricum sunt prea beti ca sa se concentreze cineva pe astfel de amanunte? Si se canta vama veche la unison de o gramada de studenti hotarati sa nu doarma pentru a nu pierde nici o secunda din timpul pretios pe care inca nu stiu al aprecia obiectiv...dar repet, ce mai conteaza?!?...

impletesc povesti...

acelasi parc, aceeasi copaci care imi tin de urat la fiecare greutate pe care o intampin...un octombrie asemanator unei primaveri proaspete cu un soare ce pare a nu mai dori sa paraseasca cerul si...in tot peisajul asta...EU...intr-unul din putinele momente in care dau agitatia cotidiana pe o pereche de role, una de ochelari de soare si una de casti...cum de am ajuns din nou aici? Evident din dorinta de a fugi de cineva sau ma rog...mai multi "cineva"...eh...in sfarsit...acum am un nou hobby se pare: imi place sa-mi impletesc propiile-mi povesti (de parca separate nu mi-ar fi fost de ajuns) ...am alaturat elementul cel mai vechi, cel mai intens si,in ultima vreme, cel ascuns de ochii lumii...o combinatie geniala...frumusete, suflet si adrenalina...stati linistiti nu am atins perfectiunea...da' asa o combinatie reuseste sa-mi consume o mare parte din energie...si chiar daca sunt perfect constienta ca eu sunt de vina pentru toate astea...nu am o problema cu asta deoarece am ajuns la concluzia ca...imi place imperfectiunea vietii mele :) ...

"mi-e mai bine CU sau Fara tine?... "

...e greu sa gasesti pe cineva cand esti constient de faptul ca tu insuti esti "defect" insa in multimea asta de oameni, unii dintre noi, ca si mine de altfel, constituie exceptii si, in situatia asta ciudata, dupa mult timp, am gasit un om cel putin la fel de "defect" ca mine pe care am ajuns sa-l experimentez intr-o varietate de ipostaze. Amandoi extrem de dornici in a demonstra ca nu suntem niste tineri banali, lucru deja usor observabil pentru cei din jur, am ajuns sa ne intelegem certandu-ne, sa ne uram fara a putea sta separati, sa plangem doar pentru a avea mai tarziu sansa sa radem cu pofta din toata incheieturile si, mai ales, sa ne provocam reciproc probleme doar pentru a avea ocazia sa ne acordam unul altuia mai tarziu ajutor in a le rezolva. Un lucru insa ne-a situat mereu la poli opusi: setea mea pentru sinceritate si nevoia ta pentru minciuna.

Asadar, dupa ce am fost colega, amica, iubita, fraiera, amanta, cosmar si viceversa am devenit apropiati intr-o maniera atat de stranie transformandu-ma atat in drog cat si in dependenta. Greu de exprimat cum o supradoza de entuziasm si inconstienta poate aduce cuiva o stare de sevraj profund; insa tot tumultul asta de senzatii experimentate la limita a dus la confuzia ipostazelor, lucru poate previzibil, nascand intrebarea care sta la baza legaturii noastre complet disfunctionale: mi-e mai bine CU sau Fara tine?...

un alt an...

Plaja, nisipul, muzica, puzderia de oameni plini de defecte care ma inconjoara facandu-ma sa renunt din ce in ce mai mult la putinele complexe ramase, toate acestea formeaza idealul de libertate pe care cu greu ma straduiesc sa-l ating...stropi mari de ploaie cazand si udand nisipul pe care ma plimb desculta savurand fiecare moment lipsit complet de ingradire ma ajuta in continuare sa cred ca libertatea e mai mult decat un ideal si ca o lume noua, straina nu e chhiar lucrul cel mai rau care mi se poate intampla, ci din contra, m-ar putea ajuta sa cresc, sa ma dezvolt, sa invat sa traiesc cu mine. Superficialitatea pluteste peste tot iar eu fac de asemenea parte din ea. E uimitor cum niste forme pot schimba principii doar pentru a avea oportunitatea de a le savura. Rare sunt momente ca acesta cand ma simt atat de neajutorata, de mica...de copila. Parca brusc am aterizat intr-o lume de oameni mari pe care pana nu demult eram sigura ca o pot infrunta dar care acum ma face sa am o gramada de indoieli, in special cand vine vorba de propria mea persoana. Incep sa fiu confuza si gasesc orice pretext doar pentru a evada, in mod repetat, de tot ceea ce ma inconjoara. Candva, nu stiu exact cand, am scapat norocul ce odata ma caracteriza si, treptat, incep sa fiu nevoita sa ma descurc pe cont propriu fara a avea resursele si maturitatea necesare unui asemenea proces dar tinand cont de locul unde ma aflu, incerc sa aman acea parte cat mai mult. In mare parte am reusit dar exista momente ca acesta cand slabiciunea mea pentru realism isi face aparitia in fantezia mea perfecta. Locul asta care acum o vreme ma facea sa imi capat pe deplin increderea in mine, sa ma transform intr-o persoana plina de siguranta, incepe si el sa-si piarda din efectul avut candva asupra mea; lucrul asta se reflecta prin decizia mea de a-mi petrece timpul singura scriind intr-un element nou dar in acelasi timp vechi si deja explorat...alt an a trecut si singurul lucru familiar pare a fi ambarcatiunea de mult uitata in larg...

...fantasy...

...even though i feel released, the fact that he proved to be worst that i expected made me want him even more. the idea of another sin torments my mind making me yearn for him. the beach i'm standing on and the sound of the sea are transforming my wish into a fantasy that i've been expecting to fulfill for a long time now. A great lie is always exciting, especially when it metamorphoses into lust...

...un unghi din Piata Mica...

Asfaltul rece pe care m-am asezat aproape ca nu are nici un efect asupra mea...oameni in rosu si in negru traverseaza Piata Mica, se aud limbi straine, in special germana. Ma acompaniaza doua melodii care merg pe repeat de ceva vreme la boxele destinate festivalului de teatru. Fete cu umbrele se plimba pe dalele proaspat curatate de ploaia rece ce cade de vreo doua zile. Ceasului din turn, deabia acum observ, ii lipseste o bucata de sticla. Sunt prea putini oameni incat a observe cineva prezenta mea iar asta ma ajuta sa observ si sa analizez lucrurile mult mai in detaliu. Toti trecatorii sunt grupati doi cate doi sau poate ca eu i-am observat numai p aceia. Imi tine de urat un steag spalacit asezat parca premeditat deasupra mea. Numai acum incep sa simt frigul care e deja bine instalat in corpul meu. aaa...si mi-am dat seama, uitandu-ma in spate, si unde ma aflu: in fata Muzeului de Etnografie Saseasca, loc bine cunoscut de mine odata...Un oras atat de plin de istorie e Sibiul insa pare sufocat de masini...nu l-as parasii insa ambitia ma duce mult mai departe de locul asta plin de farmec si festivaluri care scot oamenii in strada si peri albi batranilor care locuiesc in centru fara sa observe ca lumea e in continua schimbare. Se aude clopotul si cred ca e semnalul ca eu sa plec...sau mi-au degerat picioarele si mi-a ajuns cat am meditat pe ziua de azi...

two crazy teenagers...

have you ever felt like...as much as you try to move on...you somehow manage to remain in the past? and as much as you try to forget and carry on...you seem to be closer to the thing you're trying to avoid? and even though everything seems to be in your favour...you can't reach to take a deep breath and continue without being pulled back by a memory, a word, a wisper, that touch... you realize that you're just an actor in a play that seems to forget the lines...and needs to come back over and over again...and after a lot of hard work...you play your part...but you're still not pleased? ... and then...when you almost succed...you see that face, you hear that voice and encounter a deep look in the eyes...the look of two crazy teenages who somewhere in time were so tight up...but crazyness wwas all that they had...that's what brought them together... and suddenly she realizes it's over...and that this is just her part of the story...a story that now seems to identify itself with a look in the eyes that seems to send them into the past...to the promiss they silently made...maybe we'll meet again in the future...but surely we won't be the same two crazy teenagers...

pentru tot...multumesc...

pentru: ziua de mai in care te-am vazut, pentru miile de mesaje, pentru fiecare zi de vara in care m-ai facut sa sper, pentru lunile de tachinare reciproca din cauza lipsei noastre de maturitate, pentru zilele in care ma vizitai la lucru, pentru toate lucrurile care nu ti-au facut placere si le-ai facut doar de dragul meu, pentru cand incetasem sa sper si te-ai intors la mine, pentru crizele de nervi pe care mi le-ai provocat, pentru ca fara sa-ti dai seama m-ai schimbat, pentru culoarea perfecta a ochilor tai, pentru fiecare film vazut impreuna la cinema, pentru noaptea de 31 decembrie spre 1 ianuarie 2008, pentru primul nostru sarut, pentru prima imbratisare, pentru orele de conversatii la telefon, pentru fiecare "Buna dimineata" si "Noapte buna", pentru ca ai fost in viata mea, pentru fiecare vis pe care l-am impartit, pentru milioanele de momente de fericire pe care mi le-ai daruit, pentru cana din care imi beau laptele dimineata, pentru ca m-ai lasat sa te am si m-ai lasat sa fiu a ta, pentru ca dupa tot ce am facut nu ma urasti, pentru fiecare moment in care m-ai tinut de mana, pentru fiecare lacrima: MULTUMESC!!!

P.S: regret doar lipsa ta din prezentul meu...