You’re happy, right?

How many of you say that they are happy? Or at least pretend that in front of the rest? It’s like on Christmas on New Year’s Eve when everybody says “I’ll spend great time with the one sI love and celebrate the good stuff that happened in the last year?” Well, honestly, we all know that you are never fully satisfied next to your family and friends and that with all the good stuff that happened you are still thinking of the bad shit that you are in now or that you will be in the next year… Still we just love pretending. That’s our way of being! We never really admit “Oh, I’m fucked! Shit just happens to me, especially on holidays!”
And of course the person next to you never does what you imagine them to be doing. They do the other way around but still…you pretend it is exactly what you want… You go out on Fridays and Saturdays and get completely wasted just to fool yourself that you feel great…well…you usually don’t. Basically we are idiots! Your mother always asks the wrong question, your friends are always retards when they are too drunk and falling down the stairs every year and of course the guy you like only wants to fuck you or if you want to fuck him well…he starts to ask you out and destroys everything. You always say “This day at work will be better” and of course it is NOT!
So, we’re not happy. Why? Because we spend too much time pretending that we are instead of actually trying to accomplish that. Human nature always goes wrong one way or another…

earing on the rooftop...

Another day, another stranger. I just came to love these people who pop out into my live now more frquently than ever. This one took me on a rooftop to enjoy the sunrise while watching the beautiful landscape surrounding my 3 star hotel in a mountain resort. It was kind of accidental but the feeling was undefinable. It started in such a slow way...but of course it transformed! It’s just me...i do that! So on that rooftop i found something that everyone looks for: exactly what i needed. I couldn’t believe it! So it went on for a while as intense as a spark like that could go. Soon i found myself calling daily, meeting weekley, as i haven’t been in a long time. I was so fully living this moments as if everything was a first. Probably it was the first time when almost everything was so fine. I tasted it to the last drop but after a while, when real life started hitting me more and more and i was coming back to my senses it had to stop. My ambition came back to life and that can’t be stopped. Few people ever did...Still i recall my rooftop experience as a premiere. For a while i had everything i wanted...but only when you have it all you see that you need it step by step in order to get used to...perfection...
P.S. I forgot my earing on the roof that morning...

Sharing more than a body...

This post is dedicated to one of the most disturbed persons i have ever met. Thank you for sharing your depression.


Usually a wounded body is healed with the help of an optimistic spirit but what happens when things are the other way around? Do wounded spirits have any chance of recovery? I think they don't but, there are moments, for the most fortunate of us, when a simple, close and strong touch of a stranger slows down the pain that's eating our soul and especially our mind. A rough grab of the hands and a sudden reaction of two naked chests touching, forcing me to let everything out without using any word. And then a moment of such depth embraces my body. I close my eyes and start listening to the heartbeats of the one who's measuring my naked, empty body; that's when a small glimpse of hope tries to convince my mind that I may be able to recover, it’s like a bandage.
Two hands crush my body again but I already know that pain only postpones anger, i tried it long time ago. This is neither sex or love. It is the touch of a stranger that i frequently hate for not being what i want or need. But the chemistry between two disturbed individuals goes way beyond love or hate. The feeling that somebody could actually get the way i become addictive gave me peace. And that's interesting for someone who loves my tendency for addictions, right? And that's because he's also addictive, but also addicted to his own depression. Have you ever wondered: if depression goes away, who are you?
And than, he crushes again my body but instead of pain i feel pleasure; guilty, possessive pleasure. After a long metamorphosis , I receive a kiss on the cheek which I actually hate thinking: that's all I deserve after unveiling myself in such a way? Stranger should bite my lips so hard giving the fake hope that I might come back to that moment. Only after that the door should open and I should step out to being the same old broken myself...

Changing trains...

We are all looking for new experiences but have you ever thought that each and every one of them gets to an end? That happened to me. I left my country, my family and friends to try my luck 2000 km far from my country. I did exactly how i planned. Maybe more. One thing was for sure: i did not go there to make friends. But things didn’t really go as planned in that area. Without even noticing things happened exactly the other way around. After one „Hello, where are you from?”, „Do you want to join our party tonight?” or „Give me your number?” i ended up knowing so many people and letting people know me. I always thought that lots of them will never be able to handle my difficult way of being but they proved more strong and stubborn that i ever expected.
Now, after half year, i find myself moving around 35 kg from train to train trying to reach „Home” while weaving to four people at 1 a.m. in a small station in the Netherlands. Never would have imagined that there will be someone walking me to the train or staying and chatting for hours letting me know that one way or another they will miss me. God, it felt good! It was amazing! So i remained happy while hugging and kissing each and every one of them. But when i stepped into the train i fell apart. I tried so hard not to cry but even so three restless tears started going down my cheeks. I’ve been through so many things with this people in such a short time. It changed me! Or at least i know for sure that i learned a lot of things from each and every one or them. How to smile constantly, how to be friendly without being desperate, how to offer help and trust to a stranger, etc.
I am writing this while waiting for another bus at 5:14 a.m to thank all my friends that kept me company for the last half year. Maybe sometimes you just need to risk a bit so you can gain more. In the end, nobody ever died of deception, right?

these dark red curtains.

Things seem so different through these dark red curtains. God, how I used to hate these curtains! But this very early morning they became my best friends. They gave me the chance of hiding. If anyone knew what these curtains have seen or heard and the amount of secrets they discovered night by night. Even now they hide me from the morning light like I would be another secret. They know that the morning light was never my friend because it ruins my perfect night. I’m thinking that the light might also disappoint me as many others did. Others that used to bring me peace, others that a while ago knew exactly how to hide my soul from constant anxiety without ever realizing it. Those who used to make my nights better than they usually are by just talking for hours. I should have known better by now than to trust them. I should have given up the first second I’ve noticed immaturity because I’ve been there before. I should have known better that they will not be able to make the difference between feelings and finally would end mixing them up and running scared. Well, you should never have such high expectations from people you know so few about right? After all you were right…neither one of us knew anything about the other. Maybe we should have asked the dark curtains first…

prima gura de aer...

Tot ce imi doresc sau mai bine zis nedorim noi este fericirea. Asta cautam si eu in ziua in care am facut 20 de ani. Drept urmare, mi-am facut bagajele si am plecat 600 de km dupa prietenii mei cautand afectiune, buna dispozitie si mai ales libertate. Dupa 15 ore de sufocare in trenul personal Sibiu-Constanta lucrurile incepeau sa se lege. Primul pas pe nisip, primul flirt si prima baie in mare; toate astea au fost semnul unui nou inceput. Asta explica destul de bine expresia "this is the first day of the rest of your life". Insa acesta nu era un film ci viata. Dupa o lunga perioada in care am avut grija sa imi consum nervii si energia mult mai mult decat cerea situatia am decis sa recuperez tot cu varf si indesat. Zis si facut! Mare, soare, petreceri, bani, baieti si o saptamana petrecuta intr-o nepasare care aproape dadea in inconstienta, am reusit. Oricat de rele devin lucrurile se pare ca matusa mea are dreptate cand spune: "totul are o rezolvare". Nimic nu-i mai bun pentru un nou inceput decat niste oameni vechi: prietenii.

da, sunt EU!

"I have loved to the point of madness, that which is called madness; That which to me is the only sensible way to love."

Francoise Sagan

Inima ta bate in pieptul altuia. Asa simti cand esti singur si ea parca inceteaza sa mai bata. Nu poti respira, dormi, manca. Esti mort! La asta se rezuma finalul. Oricat de rau ar fi ai prefera sa te chinui la nesfarsit decat sa pui punct. Timpul ajunge sa te obisnuiasca atat de mult incat la final cazi la pamant si nimic sau nimeni nu te mai poate ridica. Telefonul inceteaza sa existe iar tu traieste din amintiri mai degraba decat din mancare sau somn.

Da, sunt EU! Traiul intr-o agonie si un extaz permanente m-au adus aici. Emotii duse la extrem. Respir cu mare greutate parca am ceva care ma apasa pe piept. Ma inchid in camera si stau in pat zile intregi doar ca sa ii evit pe ceilalti. Mesajele se aduna in casuta vocala deoarece telefonul e si el mort. Am uitat cand mi-am vazut ultima oara fata in oglinda. Stau cu stiloul in mana cu speranta ca pot lega cateva cuvinte dar nu reusesc iar asta ma darama si mai tare. Cui sa povestesc daca nu mie insami? Dar parca si eu incep sa ma satur de mine...Vreau sa fug! Departe! Visul asta se destrama insa si el. Totul pare sa fie jos pe podea langa mine. Orice fel de parere despre propria persoana e distrusa si ma indrept spre doar 20 crezandu-ma deja ajunsa la marele final. Cel mai dureros e insa ca am uitat elementul care ma definea: zambetul! Mai bine nebun decat mort insa asta e rezultatul cand iubesti la fara frecventa...

Da, sunt EU!


"Denial is not just a river in Egypt, it is a freakin' ocean!"

P.S.: A se scuza cuv. "iubire" si toate derivatele acestuia dar nu am gasit sinonime in acest context.